


Sexy Texting

by emma98



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes is a salty old man and I love it, F/M, Fluffy, Humor, Steve and Darcy are adorable goobers, background Bucky/Nat - Freeform, background Helen Cho/Sam Wilson, gross misuse of donuts and lollipops, silliness, the trifecta of how I do things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 16:05:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14980670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma98/pseuds/emma98
Summary: People like to believe that Bucky Barnes is exclusively devoted to making Steve Rogers' life better.  Public opinion is that Bucky would nurse Steve back to health back before the War.Would devoted best friend Bucky Barnes convince poor Steve Rogers that the best way to woo Darcy Lewis is to send her pictures of his star spangled nether regions?You bet your sweet ass he would.*inspired by that interview Evans gave about Steve Rogers NEVER sending a dick pic to a girl.





	Sexy Texting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Queenspuppet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenspuppet/gifts).



> heh. heh. heh. 
> 
> honestly, I think this is the most favoritest thing I've ever written. 
> 
> It goes out to my awesome and amazing friend, queenspuppet/ragwitch/rainbow barf word witch. She is awesome and she deserves this. Also this goes to Becka because she knows what she did. And also, the person who anon'd me on tumblr. THAAAAAAAAAAAANKS

**Sexy Texting**

 

* * *

 

"Would you come along with me? To the---to the gala?  Seeing as, you know, neither of us have dates, and we could---I could match my tie to your---ah _hell_."

 

"Yeah, that'd work, just curse at her, you big, dumb log," Bucky rolled his eyes as Steve practiced again for what seemed like the three hundredth time.  

 

The supposedly heroic and confident Captain America, _original recipe_ , was staring at his slightly distorted reflection in the shiny silver door of the refrigerator, going over his scripted words to finally, FINALLY ask out the foxy lady who ran the Avengers' Research, Explosion and Development Department with a tiny and capable iron fist.  It had taken him enough time. Steve had been mooning over her for months, staring at her with eyes full of stars ever since she had arrived on the scene and began chasing Tony Stark around with her own hackneyed Iron Man gauntlet that zapped weary and tired scientists with tickling bursts of electricity.  

 

Bucky had allowed himself to play guinea pig to test the gauntlet out with the little dame that Steve was sweet on, and he had to admit that it wasn't such a bad thing, despite Tony screaming like he was dying every time Darcy was forced to use it on him.

 

"Natalia said you didn't have to stress about this, that Darcy has been talking about wanting to ride your star spangled salami for weeks now," Bucky said casually as he elbowed Steve out of the way and opened the fridge, staring inside with a wrinkled nose.  His eyebrows went up in a delighted gesture when he found what he wanted, reaching in and taking a tupperware container clearly marked _'Wilson'_ and opening it up.

 

"Helen and Darcy made those for Sam, you shouldn't be---" Steve began to scold, but Bucky had already thrown two cupcake portioned cheesecakes into his mouth.

 

"Captain America, _spicy edition_ won't mind none," Bucky insisted, although his words were muffled as he talked with a mouth full of decadent and rich cheesecake.  He managed to stuff another one into his mouth and continued. "Sides, I deserve it, I took his shift when he had to take Helen to that thing. Captain America, _extra crunchy_ is better than him anyway."

 

"You mean when Sam took Helen to her prenatal appointment?" Steve rolled his eyes.

 

"Yeah, that," Bucky shrugged.  

 

"You're a jerk, Buck," Steve commented casually.

 

"Yeah, and you're a punk," Bucky grinned before tossing another miniature cheesecake in the air and catching it in a wide open mouth.  "Stop fussing about your dumb face and just go and ask the girl out."

 

"Ask who out?"

 

Steve immediately jumped a foot in the air, nearly upending Bucky's ill gotten goods when he came back to the ground.  Bucky hissed a string of curse words and slapped Steve on the back of his head. Steve automatically hit back, his fist coming down hard on Bucky's right bicep, knuckle first.

 

Darcy could only watch in amusement as the two centenarian, World War Two veterans started to behave like thirteen year old boys scuffling for prime seating in front of the television, except there was super serum and super muscles involved.  Steve should have had the clear advantage, as Bucky was guarding a container of small cheesecakes like his life depended on it. But Bucky somehow called upon some inner reserve of leftover Russian assassin awesomeness and miraculously managed to get a cheesecake lodged partially into Steve's throat and had the man immobilized with both of Steve's wrists in his free left hand.

 

"Hey!  Are those the cheesecakes me and Helen made for Sammy?" Darcy questioned.  

 

"No?" Bucky asked warily.

 

Darcy narrowed her eyes at the former Winter Soldier, to which he gave her the recently rediscovered, classic Bucky Barnes slow, tilted smile in response.  Her cheeks went a little red as Steve kicked and struggled in Bucky's hold. Captain America, _original recipe_ seemed to be finally meeting his match, about to face death by cheesecake at any moment.  Darcy sighed and turned around, grabbing the spray nozzle off of the sink and letting it go full blast, right into Bucky's face.

 

"NO! SAM'S CHEESECAKE!" Bucky bellowed, dropping Steve and trying to shield his wrongly pilfered goods.

 

Darcy hosed Bucky down from head to navel before replacing the hose.  She quickly rushed to Steve and began pounding on his back to dislodge the cheesecake, chortling when the bit that had been stuck in his throat, flew in an arc and landed right on Bucky's wet cheek.  She continued to pat Steve's back with one hand, while the other went to his front, rubbing up and down the white t-shirt that had gone quite see through during Bucky's hose down.

 

"Thanks," Steve's voice was low and raspy and he stared down at Darcy with those dreamy eyes full of stars.

 

"Hey, we may have two replacement Captain Americas, but I'm kind of fond of the original recipe one being alive, and whatnot," Darcy smiled at him, the pink on the apples of her cheeks looking absolutely biteable at that point.  

 

Bucky could only watch them and stuff more cheesecake into his mouth.  Natalia was right, Darcy and Steve really were too adorable for words. He had no doubt the pair of them would be joining Sam and Helen in the long march towards married boredom and a half dozen rugrats running around the place in no time.

 

"Still, s'awful nice of you to intervene," Steve's body was the exact opposite of rigidity at that point, his muscles relaxed and posture free and easy as Darcy continued to stroke his back and the space right beneath his pecs.  "Can I---Can I take you to dinner? As a proper thank you?"

 

"Sure," Darcy beamed up at him.  "When?"

 

"Uh---now is good, that's good, right?" Steve offered.

 

"It's eleven am," Bucky announced cheerfully.

 

"Hush, or I'll spray you again," Darcy snapped at him.  "Let me just---I'll go and check on Helen and Jane quick, and then I'm free to go whenever."

 

"Great!" Steve grinned, placing his hand overtop of hers that was on his chest.  They remained like that, each smiling like idiots at each other and breathing in each other's air as Bucky demolished the last of the cheesecakes and then finally went to get a dish towel to wipe off the piece from Steve’s throat that had landed on his face earlier.  

 

"I should go and check Helen and Jane," Darcy reminded Steve, who didn't seem to want to let her go.  "And then I'll meet you down at the garage?"

 

"Sure," Steve nodded, his hand heavy on top of hers.

 

"I need my hand," Darcy reminded him delicately.

 

Bucky snorted as they disentangled and went their separate ways.  Steve turned and glared at his friend, who looked half drowned still, but not at all bothered by it.  

 

"Thanks for distracting her about the cheesecake," Bucky grinned before going back to the fridge and carefully placing the empty container back where he found it.  "And congrats on finally scoring a date. Once in a hundred years sounds about right."

 

"Fuck off," Steve retorted, albeit cheerfully.  "Christ, I gotta talk to Nat, I don't know how to---"

 

"You don't need to bother Natalia, she's busy," Bucky waved Steve off.  "There was a time you used to come to me about dames."

 

"Well---yeah, that was before Nat took your balls and dipped them in gold and attached them to her keychain," Steve sassed as easy as he breathed.

 

"Fuck off," Bucky repeated Steve's earlier retort.  He smirked at Steve and said, "Darcy's a modern sort of gal, you just take her out, let her pay for herself, don't open doors for her---and this is most important, so pay attention."

 

Despite the voice in the back of his head reminding Steve that his best friend had reintegrated his original shit stirring personality into the new, ruthless, dark humored personality of the Winter Soldier, he couldn't help but straighten his shoulders and hang on Bucky's every word.

 

"From what I've researched about modern woman and courtship, is that these girls?  They expect bawdy pictures," Bucky explained carefully. "Through the texties."

 

"Uhm---"

 

"Ever since Stark invented a phone that Thor could use without frying automatically, that tall, blond drink of water is always sending pictures of himself half naked to his little astrophysicist.  It's how he won her back, remember?" Bucky reminded Steve. "It's absolutely a thing nowadays. Ladies view it as a show of virility. Just send her a picture of the flagpole, add one of those fancy filters to it that Sam is always using to make himself look less than hideous, and enjoy.  Believe me, nothing gets Natalia's motor running more than when I send her _selfles_ of myself in the bathroom mirror."

 

"I---what?" Steve shook his head in disbelief, back pedaling out of the room.  "Absolutely not. Go jump off a cliff, you rat bastard."

 

"You'll see!" Bucky called out to him.  He grinned to himself. Sometimes it was just TOO easy to rile up his friends.

 

* * *

 

That first dinner date went from 11:45 in the morning until 1 am the next morning.  And despite Bucky's warnings, Steve paid for everything, held open doors and there were no pictures of Steve's penis involved.  But Bucky’s premonition of a new happily wed couple was quickly coming to fruition, as in the weeks that followed, Darcy and Steve proved to be not only inseparable, but also rapidly falling completely and totally in love with each other.

 

Bucky's suite at the Avenger's facility (also conveniently Natalia's suite), shared a wall with Steve's, and he noticed that every night Steve returned from Darcy's place (very late at night), his friend from childhood nearly always was rubbing one out with choked moans of Darcy's name on his lips.  

 

As far as free pornography went, Bucky supposed that someone else might have enjoyed it quite a lot, but it wasn't quite up his alley.  It was probably akin to listening to Sam breathing heavily on the phone one night while on a mission, talking about how he couldn't wait to pet that _pretty kitty_.

 

Honestly, Bucky really needed to find better friends.

 

"Uhoh," Natalia's dulcet tones swam around Bucky's head, causing an automatic, physical reaction in the form of a slow smirk.  He looked up from his weight bench (that he used only to lounge on, because he had super serum and a metal arm, he didn't exactly have to work out to stay in shape and he wasn't a masochist like dummy Steve, _thank you very much_ ), and Steve was staring down at his phone as if it were a puzzle, with Natalia peaking openly at the message.  

 

His beautiful red lady of death and mischief looked up at him and threw him a wink before focusing on Steve.

 

"You've progressed to sexts?" Nat asked Steve.  "Already?"

 

"Uhm---this is the---wow, this is the first one," Steve stammered, turning beet red while simultaneously looking like a kid in a candy store.  He tried to angle his phone out of Nat's reach so that she couldn't be nosy, but it was the Black Widow, aggressive nosiness was her default setting.  Steve quickly sat down on his own weight bench, putting one hand over his lap in an attempt to disguise his arousal at whatever Darcy had sent.

 

"She's going to expect something scandalous back, you know," Natalia practically sang out, smug as could be.

 

"What?"  Steve furrowed his brow, stealing a quick glance at a smirking Bucky.  "You mean? I mean---"

 

"It'd be a shame to let the predictable tent in your shorts go to waste, send it to the girl and give her a little thrill," Bucky ordered.

 

"I---I---I gotta go," Steve shook off the suggestion and suddenly was the Roadrunner from the old Looney Tunes as he rose to his feet and ran out of the room.

 

Natalia slunk towards Bucky and wasted no time in straddling his prone body on top of the weight bench.  She put her hands in his hair and stared down at him with that smug smile that never failed to get Bucky's motor running.

 

"You owe me," she warned him.

 

Bucky arched an eyebrow and shook his head ever so slightly in agreement.  "I do. I owe you everything, Red."

 

* * *

 

Steve was still obsessively staring at his phone an hour later in the common room kitchen.  Darcy had sent him a text message prior to going into the no phones allowed experimentation space for Doctors Selvig and Foster, where they went full mad scientist in trying to bend space and time.  It was a clever strategy, he had to give it to his girl, to send something as provocative as a shot of her face blowing him a kiss, her cleavage impressively displayed. The message beneath it said,

 

' _3 hrs til I'm free again.  Can't wait to see what's waiting for me on my phone when I get back, Cutie.  Also, you have 3 hrs until I'm gonna kiss that spot that had you an entire boneless Steve Rogers last night.  (Also, 3 hrs to come up with something to order for dinner). XOXOXOXOXOXXXXXX_.'

 

It wasn't that Steve didn't think Bucky was being a shit stirrer for fun.  It was part of it, to be sure. Bucky was bored a lot, what with his brain being in the right place, and the world being a less murdery place.  His childhood best friend went looking for fun everywhere, and he usually found it at Sam's expense when Natasha was too busy to occupy him.

 

He knew Darcy was a modern gal, he absolutely adored it about her.  She spoke faster than anyone he knew, she could type a whole book's worth of text in the time it took him to open up the app, and she could quote entire movies from memory.  She was amazing, and he wanted to spend every waking minute talking to her and also, the kissing and heavy petting had been very nice and he would like to do that just as much as the talking.  And of course, more than that. Darcy was setting the pace per Steve's request and she had hinted something about things progressing past heavy petting and heavy kissing very soon.

 

It made his entire body hum with excitement.  She was everything he could ever want or need for the rest of his life.  And Steve wanted to be everything she wanted or needed too.

 

So if she expected sexy texting and pictures of--- _things_.  

 

Well, then he would do it.

 

He would.

 

"Yo!" Sam announced his arrival into the kitchen before making a beeline for the fridge.  He opened it up and took out a bottle of barbecue sauce that was labeled _'Barnes'_.  He took his own bottle of specially made, clear, atomic style hot sauce out as well and began pouring it directly into the bottle of sweet and smoky barbecue sauce.  He shook up the bottle and stared at Steve curiously. "Are you sweating? Man, I thought that was scientifically impossible."

 

"I'm not ---I'm sweating a little," Steve quickly admitted.  He cleared his throat as Sam began methodically taking out all of the condiments that Bucky liked to slather over everything, adding the Helen Cho formulated hot sauce into all of them before putting them back in their places.  "Not to be too invasive, but when you and Helen were courting---"

 

Sam snorted, "You mean those three weeks before we got married in Vegas cause my sperm are more awesome than any condom?"

 

"Sure, yeah, whatever you say, pal," Steve rolled his eyes.  "Do you send Helen---pictures?"

 

"Dude, I'm pretty sure we send each other pictures of everything.  She took a picture of her poop this morning and sent it to me, complaining that the baby I put in her is making her shit weird," Sam shrugged.

 

"That’s disgusting," Steve nodded.  "But I mean---intimate pictures."

 

"Steve, I know that you're new to this relationship stuff, but there is nothing more intimate than sending each other pictures of your poop," Sam said with a straight face as he added clear atomic hot sauce to Bucky's specially labeled mayonnaise.

 

"Pictures of you.  Naked," Steve clarified.  He waved his phone in his hand a little.  "Do you send those kinds of things to Helen?"

 

"Oh---uhm.  Actually she likes the derriere.  And I don’t mind cause there is no way to make a dick look pretty on your phone, even though my dick is very pretty in real life," Sam clarified.

 

"Good to know," Steve looked as if he were about to have all of his teeth pulled.

 

Sam's phone chimed and he snorted at the message.  He held up his phone and announced, "My pregnant bride has requested sausage.  Not Sam Wilson's authentic smoked pants sausage, but actual facts kielbasa for an afternoon snack."

 

The phone chimed again and Sam shrugged, "And she wants an ass pic too.  Timely."

 

Sam went for the sausage in the freezer and tossed it to Steve.  

 

"Do me a favor and put that in for a defrost.  I gotta go try to capture my booty's magnificence on camera."

 

Steve wrinkled his nose before sighing and staring down at the sausage.  He put the package of it on a plate, the red white and blue 'made in the USA' sticker staring back at him.  He couldn't help the smirk on his face as his inner troll took over. He snapped a pic of the frozen sausage and sent it off to Darcy without a second thought.

 

* * *

 

Darcy had been so delighted by the frosty sausage that (like Helen and Sam's oversharing poop pictures), the food innuendo pictures became an instant tradition between them.  Darcy would send a picture of her eating a banana, and Steve would retaliate with a picture of himself going to town on a taco. During one hour long debrief with Maria Hill, Steve sent Darcy sixteen pictures of cakes that looked like penises.  In retaliation, Darcy sent pictures of lunch meat sandwiches that looked nothing like lunch meat sandwiches.

 

Bucky seemed especially annoyed with this turn of events, but wouldn't show how upset he was, since Natalia seemed to enjoy Darcy and Steve's unique sexting quite a lot.  It wasn't that Bucky wanted to see the sexts, he just wanted to get his best friend laid. That's all. And maybe he also wanted to see Steve a little embarrassed for having to send pictures of his All American twigs and berries.

 

Afterall, Bucky enjoyed laughing after seventy years of being Hydra's super murdery meat puppet.

   

In the end, it was Natalia who came through, as she always did.

 

Because Natalia dropped off a box of creme filled long john donuts.  Left the entire dozen sitting right there on Steve's kitchen counter, and because it was his beautiful and amazing Natalia, she didn’t have to do one other thing to get everything done to Bucky’s liking

 

* * *

 

Steve had hummed in appreciation at the delicious smell wafting down the narrow hallway that separated his bedroom from his small living area and kitchenette.  Darcy had been spoiling him rotten lately, using Tony's cleaning bots to leave him delicious treats while he slept. He rushed into the kitchenette and didn't bother hiding his disappointment at the commercial box of donuts on his countertop.  There was a note scrawled in familiar writing on the top of the box.

 

' _Ran through Vermont on a mission, thought you'd appreciate them again.  Nat._ '

 

That perked Steve up a little and he opened the box to see the maple iced long john style donuts that were filled with bavarian cream.  He and Nat had been stranded in Vermont with the Strike team years ago, and had risked their literal lives to get away from Brock Rumlow and crew, traveling through icy wilderness and happening upon an old bakery that only made donuts.  

 

He grabbed one of them and began messily cramming it in his mouth, enjoying the taste immensely despite inhaling it.  He wandered back to his room, getting his phone in order to thank his friend and to ask if he had to share or not with Bucky and Sam.  Instead, he saw a picture message from Darcy and stopped dead in the hallway. She was away on an overnight trip with Jane and Thor to visit New York City and she'd sent him a blurry, moonlit selfie of her in a bed with white sheets, with two very strategically placed _giant_ lollipops over her bare breasts.

 

"Holy hell," Steve muttered, his foot missing his next step as he stumbled a little back into the kitchenette.  Her eyes were already laughing at him in the picture, her lips puckered perfectly at him. He felt all the blood rush from his head, predictably south and he groaned reaching down and shoving the boxer briefs down just enough to allow his hardening length room to breathe.

 

The sight of eleven long john style donuts inspired him and suddenly he wasn't worried about feeling foolish or uncomfortable or apprehensive in texting Darcy back.  He grabbed one of the donuts and managed to artfully arrange it on top of his erection, and then began to angle his phone to take the best picture for his girl to wake up to, making sure he got all of his tickle spots (Darcy's name for his entire abdominal area).

 

He was just about to take the perfect picture when---

 

" **JESUS CHRIST, PUNK!  WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THAT DONUT?**!"

 

Steve jumped, the despoiled donut falling to the floor, his phone jolted out of his hand and he grabbed blindly for it with his right hand as his left hand went to cover himself.  He looked up to see Bucky staring at him in amusement.

 

"I wasn't doing anything to the donut," Steve petulantly grumbled.

 

"Looked like you were about to slide home," Bucky argued pleasantly.  "And really, if you're going with food play, Natalia has introduced me to the wonders of whipped cream in a can..."

 

"Fuck off, Buck," Steve grumbled.  His phone suddenly made the blooping sound that meant a picture had just been sent out and his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as he looked down.  "No, no no, no no, no no no, bring it back...how do I take it back?!"

 

"What?" Bucky furrowed his brow, looking down at the donuts, wondering if there were any that Steve hadn't put his dick on yet.  Steve put his phone screen in Bucky's face and the sight of Steve's entire, aroused set of junk and the blurry falling donut was enough to have Bucky's stomach turn.  "Why would I want to see that? PULL UP YOUR DAMNED PANTS, ROGERS."

 

"I sent it to Darcy, oh god, _oh god_ ," Steve panicked, yanking up his underwear as he headed towards the freezer, opening it and throwing his phone inside.  He walked away from the kitchen in horrified daze, waving Bucky off before whispering, "I'm---I'm going to go drown myself in the bathroom sink."

 

"Steve, you drama queen---c'mon, it's not that bad," Bucky assured him.  "Come on, if I liked trouser snakes, I'd think yours was real nice and classy.  Darcy'll be pleased as punch to get a look at yours finally."

 

"I'm a LOUSE!" Steve shouted before slamming the door to his bedroom.  His shout was muffled, but still heard, "She'll never speak to me again!"

 

"Fucking hell," Bucky sighed, pulling out his own phone and dialing a number, "Heya Red, we're gonna need to run an extraction on Lewis, she needs to get here right away to make sure Steve doesn't turn himself inside out.  Yeah---he sent her one by accident, the loveable idiot."

 

* * *

 

Darcy wasn't WITH Jane and Thor in New York City.

 

"She shouted something to me about finally getting maintenance done on her pipes," Thor shrugged.  "It did seem odd to me that not all of us need to have the plumbing looked at back at the facility, but she didn't stick around to explain.  I actually had to stop her from stealing Mjolnir for quicker way home. She is tenacious and doesn't fight even a little bit fair."

 

Thor had been prideful at that, and waved Bucky and Natasha away before going back to his own beloved.  

 

"Was---was she just waiting to see if his johnson was big enough?" Bucky questioned Natalia as they made their way back into the upstate facility.

 

"I think she was waiting to see if he was really attracted to her," Nat replied softly, grabbing Bucky's hand and leading him back to the living area.  

 

"Is she daft?  Punk's got a ring already.  Sam and I had to steal it from him after their first date," Bucky huffed out in amusement.  He stopped in his tracks at the sight of his hallway and threw his head back, his nose wrinkling and a whine rumbling in his throat.  The entire hallway containing his and Steve's living quarters was corded off with robots, taser traps and 'caution wet floor' signs. "Aww, come on."

 

"Let's give them their privacy, come on, we'll go to Darcy’s place," Natalia patted his left bicep before pulling him away from the hallway where enhanced ears could definitely hear Steve moaning Darcy's name.  

 

"Do you think she’s got whipped cream? Or should we stop at the store first?"

  
  
  


* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky is such a salty bucket in this. I love him and I hope that you loved him too. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


End file.
